The Belsize Spy’s February Debrief

M’s office. Very high up. Agent NW3 enters, painted yellow. 

M: I’m not sure whether I like my new trainers, Agent NW3. I think I have got it awfully wrong.

Agent NW3: But you are not wearing trainers.

M: No I am not. I threw them out of the window.

Agent NW3: But we are 130 storeys high. You could have killed someone.

M: NW3, I have killed someone. That is what I have got awfully wrong. The trainers went out the window and dealt a death-kick from the Heavens to one of the Ordinaries.

Agent NW3: Oh I thought you meant that you got it wrong in a fashion sense.

M: Don’t be ridiculous, NW3. Do you honestly think I am capable of something as heinous as choosing the wrong garment for myself? If I didn’t think you were a complete idiot before I do now.

Agent NW3: But you said you didn’t know whether you liked the trainers or not.

M: That is not to question their fabulousness, NW3. I chose them. Ergo they are fabulous. Things can be fabulous per se and yet be not fabulous enough for me. 

Agent NW3: What are you going to do about the person you have killed?

Oh that. Don’t worry. It’s being dealt with.

A knock at the door.


The door opens. A porter is standing at the door carrying a silver tray on which sits a pair of flesh-coloured trainers.

Yes. Thank you, Proust. Now fuck off.

M takes the trainers from the tray, slams the door. She then admires trainers. Is entranced.

Well what are you waiting for, NW3? Do your thing. Get it over with.

Agent NW3: Right you are, M. I present the Belsize Spy’s latest findings:

Olivia Williams and Rhashan Stone walking down Marylebone High Street, going into Rymans and then Waitrose.
Ricky Gervais and Jane Fallon hailing a cab on Primrose Hill Road, North London.
X Factor winner Sam Bailey and family on the Broadwalk in Regent’s Park, going to the Zoo.
Dido driving down Rosslyn Hill in Hampstead.
Emilia Fox outside the Hampstead Theatre, Swiss Cottage.
Modelslashpresenter Kelly Brook in Anthony’s Cafe and Deli in Primrose Hill with that guy she was dating.

Agent NW3:  Can I ask ma’am? Are those the trainers that killed that person?

M: Oh don’t be so macabre, NW3. I couldn’t keep those.


No. These trainers are that person. 

Agent NW3: Fabulous. 

Agent NW3 rushes over to M, grabs the human trainers, throws feet aggressively into them, stumbles and falls of out of the window. Dies. Gets made into trainers. 

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